Yes For Fat Tax!

What Is The Fat Tax?

Quite simply, the Fat Tax is a mandatory, uniform, objective, and differential tax that will hold America's fatties accountable for purchasing excessively fatty foods that perpetuate their tubbiness. The Fat Tax will also provide economic relief to Americans who are not classified as overweight or obese yet pay the price for their fat friends, family members, and neighbors.

That was a mouthful and despite being accustomed to mouthfuls we'll still break it down so it's easy for you to digest.

Mandatory

Yes, the Fat Tax is mandatory meaning EVERYONE will be subject to it; however, only those with BMI greater than 25 will need to pay tax (see below). Attempting to bypass the Fat Tax by any means will be considered a federal offense and is punishable by fines and imprisonment.

Exceptions will be made for athletes with a high body mass index due to muscle mass.

Uniform

The Fat Tax is designed to be a uniform tax, administered and enforced in the same manner whether you buy your potato chips in Utah, California, Alaska, or New Jersey. As such, it will be administered at the Federal government level most likely by the Alcohol And Tobacco Tax And Trade Bereau.

Objective

The term "fat" is subjective by nature and therefore exposes the Fat Tax to individual opinions as illustrated by the following examples:

Example 1

Susan

Susan is a consumer shopping at her local grocery store. She happens to walk down the "junk food" isle and decides to buy a bag of potato chips (an excessively fatty food). Susan is 5' 3" and weighs 200 lbs (obviously overweight). When Susan checks out, Marsha, the cashier scanning Susan's groceries rings up the bag of potato chips and is prompted as to whether or not the Fat Tax should be applied to Susan's chips. Marsha stands 5' 5" inches tall, weighs in at 220 lbs, and wears skin tight, spaghetti strap belly shirts and miniskirts when she goes clubbing on the weekends. In her mind, she’s hot and essentially god’s gift to men. Marsha looks at Susan and sees the same beauty in Susan that she sees in herself and therefore declines to apply the Fat Tax to Susan's potato chips because in her opinion, neither of them are fat.

Marsha

This action by Marsha robs the population of fat Americans of Fat Tax revenue which would help them overcome their tubbiness.

Example 2

Billy

Billy is a consumer shopping at his local grocery store. He happens to walk down the dairy isle and decides to buy a half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream (an excessively fatty food). Billy is 6' 3", weights 185 lbs, and works out every day (clearly not overweight). When Billy checks out, Marsha, the same cashier as above, is prompted as to whether or not the Fat Tax should be applied to Billy's ice cream. Remember, Marsha stands 5' 5" inches tall, weighs in at 220 lbs, and wears skin tight, spaghetti strap belly shirts and miniskirts when she goes clubbing on the weekends. In her mind, she’s still hot and essentially god’s gift to men. Marsha also approaches guys like Billy in the club and gets turned down every time (except by the one guy with a fat fetish). Because of Marsha's experiences with guys like Billy her pent up animosity gets the best of her and she elects to apply the Fat Tax to Billy's ice cream.

This action by Marsha robs the population of Americans who are within a healthy weight and makes them share the burden of fat Americans - essentially the same situation we’re currently in.

These two examples highlight the necessity of removing subjectivity from the Fat Tax which is why the Fat Tax uses the commonly accepted measure of BMI (Body Mass Index) to define "fat." The BMI thresholds are shown below.

Differential

The Fat Tax is a differential tax and operates similar to the concept of Third Degree Price Discrimination where the segments are defined by which BMI threshold you fall into. Essentially, each BMI threshold will pay a different tax rate.

As you can hopefully see, the more lard you have stuck to your body the more Fat Tax you have to pay. There's no excuse for a morbidly obese individual to be purchasing ice cream and potato chips (although morbidly obese people sometimes require forklifts to move them about and I'm pretty sure grocery stores don't allow forklifts so we may not have to worry about it).

The differential component of the Fat Tax is key to its adoption, self-sustainability, and success.

Excessively Fatty Foods

Greasy Burger (yes this is excessively fatty)

Excessively fatty foods are defined as any food having more than 7.5 grams of fat per serving.

This definition would include most junk food such as potato chips, ice cream, and candy bars. This definition would also include almost everything on most fast food restuarants' menus.